It has been a particularly 'bumpy' week.
My birthday on Monday began so happy with a visit from Blossom and the children, tiramisu for morning tea, and a much needed new vacuum cleaner from my husband...
...but later that day my mind was taken to a very dark place, a lonely place, and every ounce of energy, both physical and emotional, drained away.
Such is common for me on special days such as Mothers Day or my birthday, but as the day began so wonderfully I was not prepared for the darkness which followed.
The following day I stepped outside before the sun made it's way over the mountain and with camera in hand let my attention fall to the beauty of simple things; the God-created simplicity of the garden in late summer, a garden often scorched under this intense tropical sun, but valiantly struggling to keep going until the relief promised as we near winter in a few months time.
Weeds fight for dominion over the flowers, herbs, and our two vegetables which have managed to hang on the past few months - spring onions (scallions) and rocket (arugula) - yet I still see beauty in the early morning light.
The roses have been slow to re-bloom this February, so I added rose food to their pots, moved a few to different areas in the yard, and gave them all a little trim. How joyous to have them flourishing once more.
That half hour in the garden, watering, tending and photographing was balm to my soul, and in the stillness I was able to hear the Father speak into my heart with gentleness, love and revelation.
You probably already know that bouts of darkness visit me every so often, sometimes for a day, sometimes for a season, but every time I go through these valleys I come out the other side with a new and fresh understanding about God, myself, and the direction I should follow going forward.
This short trip into darkness on Monday and Tuesday was no different.
Uploading the photos on Tuesday afternoon, one word was resonating over and over - Perception - and it was in response to the many photos I'd taken of roses. Most of them were focused very clearly on the flower but the background was unfocused, like this one...
In everyday living we can, in various times and seasons, focus on one negative aspect of our life, one snapshot, even allowing it to consume our thoughts day and night, to the exclusion of all the other wonderful things and people which combine together as a more complete panorama of our lives. That panorama tells the real story, not the snapshot we've chosen to focus our emotions or actions on.
Like with a jigsaw, one small piece connected to another, slowly building a beautiful scene before our eyes, life is very similar. One experience, one relationship, one trial, one success - all coming together over time to create a story: the story of you.
My perception was out of kilter on Monday afternoon as I had focused on a loss from the past, rather than what I already held in my heart that day. Is it normal to still grieve that loss, yes. But is it right to beat myself with it? No.
There's nothing wrong with acknowledging loss, pain and regret, but those things are in the past and cannot be changed. For me personally, each one was handed over to God years ago and He has comforted, corrected and loved me through them all, but it is I alone who bring them back to mind, subconsciously punishing myself on days when those closest to me are celebrating my life.
Friends, I'm sharing this today because it's on my heart to do so. Perhaps this resonates with you and perhaps not. All I can do is abide in the leading of the Holy Spirit and pray for those of you who also sabotage yourself the way I have done, and ask that He will melt the ties which have bound us to the sorrows and regrets of the past so that we can rejoice on our special days in the priceless love which abounds around us...and so that we can take our eyes off that one thing, and look with fresh eyes on the panoramic beauty of this gift of life before us today.
As I was finishing this design the other day, it made me ponder all the negative emotions which trip me up; and all the extras I do each week to make myself feel worthy of what the Father has given me.
How we view our past has a huge bearing on how we see ourselves today, and this birthday with those life-altering lessons which came through it, has prompted me to take what is a common sewing quote -"measure twice, cut once" - and apply it to every area of my life.
Taking measure of all I do and every responsibility - whether that be home, garden, family, friendships or business - and being mindful of the hours given me in a day, my age and state of health, what's truly most important in my life, and the motivation which lies beneath my choices...that's where I'm at today.
Because I need to take that measure, and then measure again, so when I am quite sure and in sync with the Lord, I can confidently cut away the excess and unburden myself in what has (in some areas) become a burdened life.
Now I promise the next blog post will not be heavy like this one!!
In fact going through this measuring/cutting process has not just shown me what is to be removed, but what is to be embraced more fully...God, family and home.
May His grace lead you into all truth and if you are walking in the valley right now, may His strong love draw you forward into the Light.
Bless you heaps,
